Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Aches, Pains, and the things that accompany them

I swear, I feel older than I am.

People that don't know my well, or meet me for the first time, often later tell me that they are surprised that I am only 35. They often tell me that it's not the greying hair or even the overweight state of my being, but the broken down manner in which I often carry myself. It's true. I feel 95 right now. My back is bothering me, the chronic, mysterious pain from my ribcage (which countless doctors have been unable to diagnose) is really bugging me, I have various GI issues, and my insomnia has left me in a semi stoned, zombielike state.

I often say that I had a good time getting to this point, and I really did. The eating, drinking, drugging, etc of my late teens and twenties were a blast. But I feel that a lot of my issues spring from my weight. I don't kid myself; I know what my problem is. And yet I find it really hard to do anything about it.

Some of my friends tell me, with the very best of misguided intentions, that I should just stop eating like a pig and getting up and exercising. These are almost always fairly physically fit people who try to tell you that they know "what I am going through". They then almost inevitably tell of a time when they had gained 10 or maybe 20 lbs and was able to take it off with a little diet and exercise. They then tell me, in the nicest way possible, that I just need to get off my ass and get going with it. They say that they are not being judgmental, and I am sure that consciously they are not, but their underlying distaste at my state is clear.

I am over 350 lbs. For a guy my height and frame, I am at the very least 100 lbs overweight. What my above described friends and colleagues and many other people don't understand about people as big as me is that it is not a simple case of getting off my lazy ass and exercising. Believe me, I have not met a single fat person in my life that really wants to be fat. Really, I haven't. I sure as hell don't. There are so many issues that contribute to my condition, many that are somewhat unexplainable.

Take me for instance. I have a dietician who tells me it's not that I eat, it's what I eat. She is not wrong. She then gives me an eating plan that has me eating more food than I have ever eaten in my life on a regular basis. It's almost impossible to keep up with! For the most part, I really do try to stay away from the crap. I eat good amounts of protein and vegetables, try to keep my carbs whole grain, etc. I admit to moments of weakness, when I just succumb to temptation. If my issue is food addiction, I fall off the wagon every now and again.

Exercise is difficult because of my weight and my physical pain and chronic issues; all of which are either brought on by my weight or certainly not being helped by it. And yet, it is effective. I lost almost 20 lbs just doing the regular dancing and moving required to be in a musical revue this summer. I try to walk regularly, but life does often get in the way. I need to find time to do it.

In conclusion, I am completely aware of my situation. I am also completely aware of whose fault it is. I just don't place the amount of importance on fault that other people, many of whom are my friends, seem to need to do. I am fat. I know how I got here. I know what I need to do to remedy it. I even have an inkling of how to do it. Finding the drive and confidence, those are the difficult parts.

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