Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Aches, Pains, and the things that accompany them

I swear, I feel older than I am.

People that don't know my well, or meet me for the first time, often later tell me that they are surprised that I am only 35. They often tell me that it's not the greying hair or even the overweight state of my being, but the broken down manner in which I often carry myself. It's true. I feel 95 right now. My back is bothering me, the chronic, mysterious pain from my ribcage (which countless doctors have been unable to diagnose) is really bugging me, I have various GI issues, and my insomnia has left me in a semi stoned, zombielike state.

I often say that I had a good time getting to this point, and I really did. The eating, drinking, drugging, etc of my late teens and twenties were a blast. But I feel that a lot of my issues spring from my weight. I don't kid myself; I know what my problem is. And yet I find it really hard to do anything about it.

Some of my friends tell me, with the very best of misguided intentions, that I should just stop eating like a pig and getting up and exercising. These are almost always fairly physically fit people who try to tell you that they know "what I am going through". They then almost inevitably tell of a time when they had gained 10 or maybe 20 lbs and was able to take it off with a little diet and exercise. They then tell me, in the nicest way possible, that I just need to get off my ass and get going with it. They say that they are not being judgmental, and I am sure that consciously they are not, but their underlying distaste at my state is clear.

I am over 350 lbs. For a guy my height and frame, I am at the very least 100 lbs overweight. What my above described friends and colleagues and many other people don't understand about people as big as me is that it is not a simple case of getting off my lazy ass and exercising. Believe me, I have not met a single fat person in my life that really wants to be fat. Really, I haven't. I sure as hell don't. There are so many issues that contribute to my condition, many that are somewhat unexplainable.

Take me for instance. I have a dietician who tells me it's not that I eat, it's what I eat. She is not wrong. She then gives me an eating plan that has me eating more food than I have ever eaten in my life on a regular basis. It's almost impossible to keep up with! For the most part, I really do try to stay away from the crap. I eat good amounts of protein and vegetables, try to keep my carbs whole grain, etc. I admit to moments of weakness, when I just succumb to temptation. If my issue is food addiction, I fall off the wagon every now and again.

Exercise is difficult because of my weight and my physical pain and chronic issues; all of which are either brought on by my weight or certainly not being helped by it. And yet, it is effective. I lost almost 20 lbs just doing the regular dancing and moving required to be in a musical revue this summer. I try to walk regularly, but life does often get in the way. I need to find time to do it.

In conclusion, I am completely aware of my situation. I am also completely aware of whose fault it is. I just don't place the amount of importance on fault that other people, many of whom are my friends, seem to need to do. I am fat. I know how I got here. I know what I need to do to remedy it. I even have an inkling of how to do it. Finding the drive and confidence, those are the difficult parts.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Labor Day Weekend Hangover...nope, not that kind.

No, I didn't have a whole lot to drink this weekend. I did go to my wife's family's annual Labor Day reunion picnic, which means I ate way too much.

No point in beating myself up over it. Just time to get back up onto that horse...