Aches, Pains, and the things that accompany them

I swear, I feel older than I am.

People that don't know my well, or meet me for the first time, often later tell me that they are surprised that I am only 35. They often tell me that it's not the greying hair or even the overweight state of my being, but the broken down manner in which I often carry myself. It's true. I feel 95 right now. My back is bothering me, the chronic, mysterious pain from my ribcage (which countless doctors have been unable to diagnose) is really bugging me, I have various GI issues, and my insomnia has left me in a semi stoned, zombielike state.

I often say that I had a good time getting to this point, and I really did. The eating, drinking, drugging, etc of my late teens and twenties were a blast. But I feel that a lot of my issues spring from my weight. I don't kid myself; I know what my problem is. And yet I find it really hard to do anything about it.

Some of my friends tell me, with the very best of misguided intentions, that I should just stop eating like a pig and getting up and exercising. These are almost always fairly physically fit people who try to tell you that they know "what I am going through". They then almost inevitably tell of a time when they had gained 10 or maybe 20 lbs and was able to take it off with a little diet and exercise. They then tell me, in the nicest way possible, that I just need to get off my ass and get going with it. They say that they are not being judgmental, and I am sure that consciously they are not, but their underlying distaste at my state is clear.

I am over 350 lbs. For a guy my height and frame, I am at the very least 100 lbs overweight. What my above described friends and colleagues and many other people don't understand about people as big as me is that it is not a simple case of getting off my lazy ass and exercising. Believe me, I have not met a single fat person in my life that really wants to be fat. Really, I haven't. I sure as hell don't. There are so many issues that contribute to my condition, many that are somewhat unexplainable.

Take me for instance. I have a dietician who tells me it's not that I eat, it's what I eat. She is not wrong. She then gives me an eating plan that has me eating more food than I have ever eaten in my life on a regular basis. It's almost impossible to keep up with! For the most part, I really do try to stay away from the crap. I eat good amounts of protein and vegetables, try to keep my carbs whole grain, etc. I admit to moments of weakness, when I just succumb to temptation. If my issue is food addiction, I fall off the wagon every now and again.

Exercise is difficult because of my weight and my physical pain and chronic issues; all of which are either brought on by my weight or certainly not being helped by it. And yet, it is effective. I lost almost 20 lbs just doing the regular dancing and moving required to be in a musical revue this summer. I try to walk regularly, but life does often get in the way. I need to find time to do it.

In conclusion, I am completely aware of my situation. I am also completely aware of whose fault it is. I just don't place the amount of importance on fault that other people, many of whom are my friends, seem to need to do. I am fat. I know how I got here. I know what I need to do to remedy it. I even have an inkling of how to do it. Finding the drive and confidence, those are the difficult parts.

Labor Day Weekend Hangover...nope, not that kind.

No, I didn't have a whole lot to drink this weekend. I did go to my wife's family's annual Labor Day reunion picnic, which means I ate way too much.

No point in beating myself up over it. Just time to get back up onto that horse...

Insomnia

What keeps a person up until almost 5 in the morning? My desire to watch TV or play video games died about 4 hours ago, there is nothing worth looking at on the Internet, my eyes and ears can't take much more editing video or music today. I am exhausted, yet I know that even if I crawled into bed right now, sleep would elude me. And there is nothing that makes time go slower than laying awake in bed, counting the seconds in your head. My doctor had told me in the past that it may have something to do with the various mental and physical ailments that I suffer from, and I am not one to argue with him.

I fear that one day, I will awaken and discover that I have been asleep the whole time, just dreaming of insomnia, not unlike the protagonist in Fight Club. Only I doubt that my fantasy self would even assume to try to look like Brad Pitt. Even my Id has too many self image issues to assign it such a lovely avatar.

OK, I am babbling now...

Pills

Pharmaceuticals...They fuel America. They have a pill to solve every problem. Not feeling yourself? Here's a Prozac. Feeling a little uptight, here's a Paxil. Feel a little limp, here's a Viagra. Pharmaceuticals fuel this country to the point that they have replaced good old fashioned recreational drugs. Why smoke some weed when you can take a Xanax? Why snort coke when you can take 5 too many Wellbutrin? And Oxycontin is WAY easier and less dangerous to get a hold of than heroin, and its origins and effects are similar enough to not really matter one way or the other.

This syndrome continues on into nutrition. Why eat healthy when all of the nutrients that the fast food and diet soda leech away from you can be replaced by little pills? And the companies who manufacture (yes, I said manufacture) our food are in on this madness as well. Jesus, they process our food, stripping it of any nutritional value, and then fortify it with chemical vitamins and then sell it at a premium for being "Healthy".

I remember when I was a kid and I used to watch cartoons or read comic books depicting a future where all of our food would either come in pills or tubes. I thought it was clever and kinda nifty, in a space age sort of way. Today I see it actually happening and I despair a little...

 I look at my own morning regiment and I realize that I am quickly becoming another sad statistic in this country. And I am not even close to as bad as some of my friends and family. My morning regiment is as follows: One Lamictal to balance out my Bipolar, a Nexium for my GERD, a Multivitamin for general health, a Vitamin D pill for a deficiency that I didn't know I had, a C&E Vitamin for Heart and Men's Health, and a Claritin for my allergies. This week, I have also injured my back, so it's a Flexeril to relax my muscles and a Vicodin to take the edge off of the pain. The pills make me a little loopy so, to counteract those side effects, I swallow the whole mess of pills down with a sugar free energy drink, packed with caffeine, guarana, ginseng, taurine, B - Vitamins, and other herbs and spices mixed together to keep me awake and alert. At night, I will take another Lamictal and another Vicodin and Flexeril. I am a sheep.

Needless to say, I have been thinking about these things lately. However, I am an average American, likely to continue in my practices until they kill me. Ironic, huh? I write about these evils and how I am finding myself being drawn into them, and know that it is unlikely that I will do anything about it...

So, if you look at the date, you will see that it has been almost a year since I have blogged here. In that time, 2 people have viewed this blog, and I have lost absolutely no weight. To be honest, I have likely lost and gained the weight back, having tried whatever various fad diet that was available at the time. Needless to say, I am still fat and am fairly resigned to it.

Why, you may ask...

It started when I got on the plane to go see my sister in Atlanta and I needed the seat belt extender. Wow, I thought. Another year like this and I'll be like Kevin Smith, being forced to buy a second seat or get off the plane. I have been fat most of my life, in one way or the other. It's funny thinking back to my youth, when a little chub made me really self conscious, and now I would give a nut to have a body like that. Jesus, how did I let this get so out of control?

So, yeah. I say it started on the plane. But in reality, I think the plane was the last straw. I have been letting my weight make the decisions for my life for years now, and that was just the final nail in that coffin. Couple that with some other health problems, CLEARLY attributable to my weight, and I was done. I don't intend to get all Biggest Loser on anyone, and that's not really what this blog is about. It's more about being fat, the trials and tribulations of being fat, and the neverending quest to no longer be fat. I will share previous exploits and adventures on this long road, and hopefully give you some progress as I try once again to reach that longed for goal: to buy a freakin' pair of pants off the rack!